Not again.

So you all should know that I believe DH and I are healed from our infertility. We had a positive pregnancy test for our second baby in March 2nd. 

Just two weeks later, we went in to our first ultrasound and they found, well, nothing. No heartbeat, no sac, just…empty. 

Then Easter. It was a nice distraction, and Little Miss (now 16 mos) loved finding eggs in the lawn.

Then the Monday after we went in for a second ultrasound with my OB, who found nothing in my uterus. But he did find a cluster of cells on my Fallopian tube. 

You read about ectopic pregnancies and know they exist, but when it happens to you, there are no words. Tell me, in what universe is it fair that my husband and I would have to spend two years trying only to have to end a pregnancy that was, just weeks before, miraculous?

Ectopic pregnancies are life threatening and the embryo is not viable. But it felt so, SO wrong to me to have to choose my life over my child’s (no judgement to those who are pro-choice, just how I feel). Fortunately–is that the word I want to use?–my beta blood tests showed falling HCG levels and the morning I received my shot of methotrexate I began bleeding. The decision never had to be made, and my baby was already gone. 

I haven’t told anyone in my family, except for parents and siblings. They’ve been less helpful, with comments like, “well, at least you know you can have more children,” or the HORRIBLE things my mom said, hinting at the fact that is basically had an abortion (which, I did NOT, but she’s pretty ignorant about medical things). 

The aftermath? Physically, I’m not bleeding as much two weeks later and my beta numbers have been 19000, 18,000, 5,400. But I feel empty. I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails.  I have an awesome tribe of mommas who brought over meals for a week, brought me chocolate, flowers, wine, and hugs. But after chasing a toddler around, I just can’t bring myself to have a good cry over it. I don’t have the energy. And I don’t want to cut open the scars that infertility has left me. 

More than you know

ISisters, there are people praying for you in your suffering. Probably more than you know.  I have tried to write this post several times before today to no avail, because each time I do, I am overcome with emotion and I cannot finish it. But today someone need to hear this.

As Mary treasured the events surrounding the birth of her son and pondered them in her heart, so do all mothers.

And even nine months later, there are moments for me that shine through the rest like precious jewels–the ones I ponder. The feeling of her warm, wet weight in my chest for the first time, the sound of her tiny cry, running through the aches of postpartum recovery to embrace my own mother as she entered my hospital room, the vivid fire of the autumn foliage on our way home from the hospital and gazing at my sleeping husband cuddling our newborn on the recliner once there.

And the gifts! Oh the gifts! A My mother had brought with her a suitcase full of gifts, including an entire layette set for the baby, as well as assorted gifts from our friends and family! We laughed because she only brought three outfits for herself and forgot a coat entirely, despite it being early November. There were bibs, cups, blankets (oh the blankets) and other assorted baby paraphernalia and my mother pulled each gift out, explaining who they were from.   And then she pulled out a small package wrapped in newspaper. As I pulled back the layers, I realized the newspaper was written in Sanskrit but I hardly registered this as odd in my sleep-deprived, hormone-addled brain.  Inside were three bangles, one large and two small. 

My mother went on to explain that these bangles had been carried in yet another suitcase when their friend, a pastor in India, had come to visit them for some additional training in the US.  She told me that she had been asked to pass along the bracelets, and a message saying that he and his churches had been praying for me the whole time.

She didn’t have to explain much more before I was a sloppy mess because I felt the impact of her statement and was immediately humbled.  Firstly, because the pastor had multiple churches and each congregation was large so I knew I couldn’t begin to know the ammount of people that had been praying for me, a stranger, yet their sister in Christ.  Secondly, I know how precious children are after you have lost one, and India’s infant mortality rate was roughly 40/1000 live births last year, whereas in the US it is 6/1000.  Their prayers were heartfelt, real and empathetic.

These bangles represent the beautiful words that were said on my behalf in my darkest time and as I look at the tiny rhinestones in them, I am grateful. One day I will tell my Little Miss about all the people who were praying for her before she was even born.

Infertility can feel lonely, but you are never alone.  You ladies already know I pray for you every night, but we have no idea how far those requests go.  This is the power of prayer, and the beauty of being a member in the body of Christ.  If you are feeling ignored by God, know that there are more prayers than you can ever fathom going up to God on your behalf–prayers for comfort, prayers for support, prayers for clarity in your next steps of the long, dark road ahead, and of course, prayers for your babies. Blessings to all of you this morning, and all the love my heart can possibly hold for you.

We ARE making a difference!

So on Facebook, I posted a plea not to use fake pregnancies as April Fool’s jokes. Three of my yoga buddies shared it. Now, I know I have about 300 friends, which is conservative but if my friends each have 300 friends that means nearly 1200 people saw that post. 

Not to mention the friends of my friends who shared it as well. 

Best part of the story? My wall was clear of pregnancy pranks. Two years ago I had FIVE.  

Speak up, stand out and we will be heard. 

I know the day is coming…

I read this today.

http://heremembersthebarren.com/2014/12/14/the-hoary-head/

I’ll admit, I’m still in the “honeymoon” phase of Mommyhood and I am grateful every day. But today I read this and I know the day is coming where I’ll say or think something like this, and momentarily forget. When that happens, I’m sorry.

And if someone says something like this to you, I’m also sorry–hearing a comment like this is particularly hurtful.

Still not fair?

I have a friend from college. She’s seriously Fertile Myrtle. She announced her first pregnancy when DH and began trying and has just announced her third pregnancy.

Which means, in the amount of time my husband and I have tried, conceived and birthed just one child, she’s conceived three.

I’m happy for her. I really am. But infertility leaves scars, and I get jealous when I think how Little Miss might be the only child for us. Don’t get me wrong–I love her more than my own life. It’s just that I want to feel MORE of that love by having more children and just like any other couple that is “done” having kids, there is a little sadness. I am also sad because unlike those couples, we may not be able to choose if we have more babies. DH and I have decided that we will adopt the attitude of welcoming whatever God gives us, but the uncertainty is scary and filled with anxiety.

It still seems unfair and it weighs heavily on me–the sadness, the jealousy, the uncertainty and the anxiety. Ladies, I want you to know infertility leaves you with baggage no matter the stage of this journey you are in.

But Christ carries your burdens.

Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Now What?

*** My baby is mentioned and pictured, so if this is a trigger for you, be advised.  However, it isn’t till later and I’ll have some space before I show them so please feel free to read up until that point.****

So now what?  What do I do with this blog, now that I’m blogging with a baby bobbing up and down in my lap?  I’m healing physically from labor and delivery, but, what about the healing that comes from being a…whatever it is you call yourself after you have a baby after infertility…?

I must admit–even though I have been blessed with this baby, there are still scars, and I do believe infertility will always be a part of my life.  I’ve prayed to God that he would use this season of my life for His glory, and use this child to accomplish His will.  Another thing I’ve been praying is that God can continue to place people in my life that need to have the support of someone who has gone through this process.

So, with that being said, I’ve decided that there are two things that will happen concerning my “next steps,” and one that may happen down the road.  I’m becoming a Stephen Minister at my church, and I’m going to continue using this blog to prayerfully encourage you ladies that are still waiting for your miracles.  Someday, I’d like to go back to school and get my Masters’ Degree in Counseling.

What that means for this blog is that I will continue to uplift you in prayer, so please email me if you have a specific prayer request. My email address is waiting for bliss md (all one word) at gmail dot com. It also means that I’m going to TRY to post videos, devotions, books, prayers, resources and other encouragement to you all.

Okay. Now to the 2 month update on my little one. I didn’t want to post much about her in the last couple of weeks over the holidays because I know they can be difficult. Hopefully, seeing these photos will encourage you and be a reminder that God is good, and does desire for you to have children.  He is the not only the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, He is the God of Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. He is the God that spoke the life into creation from nothing in the beginning and I believe that if He can do that, He can take our broken bodies and produce life. Here is the proof of MY testimony.

Her middle name is Hope, as a reminder of the verse above–the one I clung to so tightly during our trials, tests and Treatments.

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A rare moment of her actually napping.  Little Miss is a champion sleeping at night, but only naps in 20-30 minutes during the day.

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It would be more upsetting if she didn’t flash us this grin all that time!

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That hair!  Everywhere we go, people stop and make conversation with me or DH.  They just can’t get over it!  At 8 weeks, it is starting to thin just a little bit, which isn’t surprising, because that’s what happened with me–lots of dark hair that all fell out and came back in blonde, and then slowly turned darker again. I predict something like that may happen with her.

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She’s a champ at eating too. She likes to hold hands while nursing.  She weighed in at 8 lb 10oz at birth, and gained it all plus some at her 2 week appointment.  I held her on the scale with me (not the mos accurate, I know) but from what I can tell she probably weighs between 12 and 14 lbs.  We shall find out next Monday at her 2 month appointment.  She’s not quite in 3-6 month clothing, but she will be soon!

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She’s got her mommy’s thick brunette hair and the shape of her eyes is definitely her daddy’s.  The color is unlike either of our blues, so I have no idea what to expect, just like much of this parenting thing!  Each day is an adventure, and I love it–she was so worth the wait!