Not again.

So you all should know that I believe DH and I are healed from our infertility. We had a positive pregnancy test for our second baby in March 2nd. 

Just two weeks later, we went in to our first ultrasound and they found, well, nothing. No heartbeat, no sac, just…empty. 

Then Easter. It was a nice distraction, and Little Miss (now 16 mos) loved finding eggs in the lawn.

Then the Monday after we went in for a second ultrasound with my OB, who found nothing in my uterus. But he did find a cluster of cells on my Fallopian tube. 

You read about ectopic pregnancies and know they exist, but when it happens to you, there are no words. Tell me, in what universe is it fair that my husband and I would have to spend two years trying only to have to end a pregnancy that was, just weeks before, miraculous?

Ectopic pregnancies are life threatening and the embryo is not viable. But it felt so, SO wrong to me to have to choose my life over my child’s (no judgement to those who are pro-choice, just how I feel). Fortunately–is that the word I want to use?–my beta blood tests showed falling HCG levels and the morning I received my shot of methotrexate I began bleeding. The decision never had to be made, and my baby was already gone. 

I haven’t told anyone in my family, except for parents and siblings. They’ve been less helpful, with comments like, “well, at least you know you can have more children,” or the HORRIBLE things my mom said, hinting at the fact that is basically had an abortion (which, I did NOT, but she’s pretty ignorant about medical things). 

The aftermath? Physically, I’m not bleeding as much two weeks later and my beta numbers have been 19000, 18,000, 5,400. But I feel empty. I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails.  I have an awesome tribe of mommas who brought over meals for a week, brought me chocolate, flowers, wine, and hugs. But after chasing a toddler around, I just can’t bring myself to have a good cry over it. I don’t have the energy. And I don’t want to cut open the scars that infertility has left me. 

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4 thoughts on “Not again.

  1. I am so so sorry for your loss. No matter the circumstances, losing a baby is heartwrenching, and dealing with insensitive people makes it even worse.

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