There are bigger powers at work here…

I do mean God, but I also think there is some serious spiritual warfare happening all around me.  I kind of made this realization on Tuesday.  

It really started like any other day, went to work, did my job and upon reflecting on the day on the car ride home it was decidedly neutral: not good and not bad, it just was.  However, I got home and in the mail, I had two really great things in the box waiting for me.  The first was a replacement for the bee necklace that I had written about earlier.  The original one had been lost ever since we had moved so after most of the boxes were unpacked and I unearthed most of the boxes I ordered another one to replace it.  It has been a constant reminder to persevere through this trial because in the end, it produces hope, and hope does not disappoint!

The second item in there that made me smile was a lovely card from my gal pal, Elisha.  If you don’t know her, you REALLY ought to check out her blog, Waiting for Baby Bird.  She writes beautifully because she is filled with the Holy Spirit and I was blessed enough to receive a sweet personal note from her with lots of encouraging bible verses and other words of hope. The general message was to pray with expectation that God is going to work suddenly in my life and my situation. Thanks, friend!  

Anyway, getting both of those items in the mail made me want to re-center my thoughts on the impending IUI.  One of the things that Elisha told me in my card was to speak God’s word over my situation and think positive thoughts of hope and faith that God is bigger than the situation. In my head, I knew this is so, but in my heart….

Here’s what I struggle with–I’m a good little Lutheran and we believe in “God’s Will for our life,” with the sub-text of, “He’s gonna do what He’s gonna do so you better just pray for His will in your life so that you aren’t disappointed,”  especially when it comes to infertility.  However, there are countless Bible verses that say things along the lines of “God answers the prayers of the faithful, and that God is a giver of good gifts,” and of course, Ask, seek, knock. I often get conflicted with the two beliefs, because they are BOTH true!  God’s will is God’s will and nothing that I can pray can change it, however, I am confident that being parents is in God’s will for me and DH’s lives.  

Anyway, while that was swirling in my head and in my heart, I decided to check Facebook. BIG MISTAKE.  Another pregnancy announcement, this time from people who got married in August.  Ugh. I guess I’m happy for them, but it’s such a KILLJOY when you’ve been working at something for 20 months and someone else tried for a measly 4 months.  Once DH came home from work though, I’d been stewing over it for an hour and was sort of a mess.  And by “sort of a mess,” I mean I was yelling and crying and sobbing and throwing a fit.  We went for a “walk and talk” and we discovered the thing that was bothering me was that I felt as if my friends expect me to be their support system through their pregnancies, but they don’t ever reach out to me, the infertile.  Most of my my college friends are church workers and this behavior seems very un-caring.  

It was sort of a breakthrough moment for me to realize how much I wanted my friends, my support system, to be a part of this as well  It was also a bit my fault, because how can they care if I don’t tell them what’s going on?  DH and I decided that I could message some of my best and closest friends (which I also turned into a blog post) to let them know what I was going through, as well as call my mom and dad (who have ALWAYS had my back in this and everything else) to let them know what was going on this week.  I want to post about the amazing conversation that my mom, dad, DH and I had that night because it was really beautiful, but this post is getting rather long. 

We got back from our walk and what to my wondering eyes was on my phone than a text from my co-worker.  You know, the one who shared with me her big secret about the gender of her baby?  Well, she had her baby on Christmas Eve and it is a GIRL! We went to see her Saturday and got to talking baby stuff and someone else said “OH! Did you hear (insert name of other co-worker) was expecting?”  Well, I tried my best to not let my face fall but I guess I didn’t do a very good job, because Megan took notice.  The text she sent was so sweet.  It said, simply “Hey. I saw the look on your face Saturday about (other co-worker).  Your turn will come soon and I can’t wait to be there for you.”  

I wept.  It was FINALLY the support I needed but then I felt something eerie.  I turned to DH and said “I think there’s something more than infertility going on here.  I think this is spiritual warfare.”

Dun-Dun-DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!

But seriously.  I’ve had WAY more peace than I am capable of having on my own ever since CD 1.Everything has clicked into place (albeit last minute in most cases) but everything that I’ve been thinking of worrying about has been taken care of.  Even today, my body’s been last-minute Lucy!  I KNEW I’d surge today, but it didn’t happen till 3:45 and our clinic closes at 4–but as soon as I dipped the strip, it IMMEDIATELY turned positive right away.  It’s like Elisha’s been saying lately, expectancy is waiting for something to happen at any moment, suddenly, and that’s what has been going on like crazy!  However, with that peace came an attack stronger than anxiety and I realized how important it was to have that protective hedge of prayer around us since I asked my friends and family to lift us up. Maybe I’m starting to have real faith again? Ask me again in 2 weeks.  I know I can be fickle. 

However, in the end, I’m just a vessel for God’s work to be done, hopefully in the form of children that God will use to accomplish great things in His name.  Sure, I’ll be his or her mother and DH and I will raise them, but this is God’s child and the moment that I hold that sweet baby in my arms, I’ll dedicate it back to the Lord, and baptize it as soon as I can!

I’m sorry for rambling.  Someday I’ll have to organize these thoughts better, but I guess I’m just excited today.  IUI is tomorrow! It is go time.  LORD God, work your miraculous hand in our life!